So Long Smooth Sailin’: Expect Delays

Gone are the days of no delays and easy flights. If you can find a flight that isn’t running late, overbooked, or generally hellacious—I applaud your good fortune, and beseech you to be my good luck travel buddy.

Unfortunately, I’ve been on a lot of trips this year that have gone awry. Nothing catastrophic, but little inconveniences that add up to a giant mistrust of airlines.

Take my flight from Chicago to Denver for instance, during which the captain uttered the words, "Well folks, this has never happened to me before…"

Or a leg from Albuquerque to Dallas that diverted to Abilene for more fuel, then missed the connection resulting in a discounted night at Motel 8 along President George Bush Turnpike.

And then, there’s the impromptu plane-swap in Minneapolis en route to New York City after firetrucks escorted us from the runway back to the gate.

Some of the aforementioned situations were handled with grace, others with demonstrated frustration—and I’m talking about the crew, not me. I try not to make crying in airports a habit (save for my first solo trip to Nice).

So with all the obstacles we face while flying that we can't control, here are some tips to ease the experience that we can control. For the frequent flyer, these are pretty obvious tips, but if it saves even a minute or an ounce of frustration, it’s worth it.

• Never store your carry-on bag in the overhead compartment behind your seat. The ideal sweet spot? Two bins up from yours.
• Don’t fly via Dallas in the summer, Chicago in the winter, or Denver ever.
• Carry a few granola bars as sustenance for when you’re stuck in the air or on the runway—even short flights can have long waits. The exorbitant food prices in airplanes and airports will blow your mind (or at least your wallet).
• Take two books of different genres to cure boredom. Also, take a serious book to cover up that embarrassing Nicholas Sparks novel you’re sporting.
• Never book the last flight of the day if you can help it, and that includes connecting flights. You’ve got to leave room for error, as it seems to be running rampant lately.
• If you’re facing a massive delay, make the decision early if you can take the hotel and voucher deal if offered. People literally jump at the chance, so if you snooze you lose.
• Avoid ice in the drinks for sanitary reasons, but also to avoid spillage and excess liquid. More often than not, the service comes through faster than a college kid can take a shot of Jaeger, let alone allow time for you to finish a full glass of soda.
• Store wheeled suitcases above the 3-seat areas, wheels first. Plus, don’t be the wannabe-macho guy who tries to stuff it in there.
• Ladies—wear pants or long skirts or leggings. Think how many backsides have been in the chair you’re about to cozy up in.
• Long layover? Use Facebook to find friends who might be stuck in the same place. Or better yet, arrange a meet-up with a friend who lives in that city, like Jo and I did in Denver last month.

• Post-trip, use disinfectant wipes to clean up the bottom of bags and purses that hit the ground at any point during the trip.
• Load up the ipod with tunes and juice—there are usually outlets by the check-in counter or by water fountains.
• Shut your phone off before you board, when you have elbow room to find it. Bonus! You won’t be that annoying passenger talking on a cell phone!
• As for shoe wear, aim for comfort and convenience. No flips, tie-ups, heels, etc. The convenience factor is big for the people behind you in the security line, waiting for you to loop the rabbit ears. And the sound of clicking heels running through the corridors might act as a good warning system for people to move out of your way, but how comfortable could you possibly be?
• Book your seat in the back of the plane for a better chance of snagging an empty one beside you, plus it’s safer.
• Check the seatback ahead of you as soon as you sit down, if your magazine is missing, steal your neighbor’s before they show up.
• Never open Sky Mall. The temptation is too grand, and so are the prices.

The ultimate tip? Keep cool when faced with a nuisance, as there are bound to be plenty of them. Control what you can, and if you see me on your flight, expect delays. Happy flying.