London Calling: Anarachy in the UK

(scroll down the playlist, there are 12 songs in all)

(for translations of words in bold, see below entry)

In retrospect, I don’t think I did London right.

There’s probably not a wrong way to do London, but as I try to come up with suggestions for future travelers, I can’t think of anything to appeal to the masses. London is the type of city you have to visit in your own way, as it can satisfy every wanton desire.

Theater? Done. Shopping? Done. A pint? Done. Cheap pub food? Done.

This city has it all…and then some. So I did London right for me, but you might have other ideas when you visit this capital.

As the last leg of our two-week journey to the UK, London came as a bit of an afterthought. We stayed with my funcle (my fake/uncle, as in my dad’s best friend from uni). He lives in a posh house in Surrey, a suburb of the city and just about 25 minutes away by train.

Though I wouldn’t consider myself an amateur to the streets of London—above and below—I also wouldn’t venture to call myself a connoisseur. But the best way to travel around London is with public transport.

Transportation in the city is ace. From the Underground system that gets you all over in seconds flat to the double-decker buses that can give you a great view, getting around is affordable and fun. From my funcle’s house, we took the train, used the tube, and rode the bus all day --- just for £8 with a 24-hour travel card.

We did the tourist bit on day-one, with our first stop at Harrod’s department store at Knightsbridge. It’s O.T.T. but worth a look, as you could spend yonks eying the delectable foods, lavish clothing, and deluxe cosmetics.

Being sans travel guide and Lee Marvin, we decided to hop on a double-decker and ride around until we found the perfect pub for lunch. There was jack all in our price range around the Knightsbridge and Kensington area so we kept riding. We finally spotted a quaint looking pub and pressed the stop button on the bus and ran off.

We were happy as Larry to find The Three Stags and grab a Nelson. At the time of our trip, everyone had a fag in hand, but within months, restaurants will be smoke-free zones in London, which will make dining a more pleasant experience.

After a good sarnie and a pint, we hitched a ride toward parliament via bus. We snapped some shots from the top deck and then got in an awkward situation with two caned guys who kept speaking ballocks. Why is it we always run into the craziest people in every city? Not wanting them to follow and/or rob us (see: gypsies, Paris, being robbed blind), we waited for them to get off the bus before we disembarked. Although, for the rest of the day we had the sneaking suspicion we were being followed…

We took a walk around Hyde Park, one of the largest in central London. The Brits love their gardens, be sure to stop by one in the city for a taste of the country. We tried to find the Travel Bookshop from the movie Notting Hill in Notting Hill, but to no avail. And before you start laughing at us for trying to find the “fictional” shop, here’s a photo a friend took. It totally exists…somewhere.

Alicia and I decided to despise two types of people while in the underground: those who know where they’re going and those who look fashionable when they’re doing it. Our first experience on the tube was hellacious, as we were carting our luggage the whole time. The second experience was better, until we realized we went the wrong way. And the third time proved aggravating as it was 5 p.m. and gave a whole new meaning to the term “rush hour.” But however mare it seemed to be at the time, you really can’t beat the underground system in London.

Day-two of our Greater London excursion landed us in Sutton, a small town near my funcle’s. It has a bustling high street with shops on every corner and a pub to match. Being our last day of the trip, we had almost forgotten about my earlier mission: to get a red Guinness.

As if on cue, we came out of the train station in Sutton and standing right in front of us was an O’Neill’s Irish Pub, the one pub throughout all of Great Britain that housed the latest creation to come out of St. James’s Gate Brewery.

After such a negative experience in Oxford, where we didn’t want to ruin the experience of trying red Guinness where the service was so terrible, we hesitated to try the Sutton version. But, a mission is a mission, so we forged ahead and tried out O’Neill’s.

It was an absolute razzle.

For a couple quid we tested out the red Guinness, which was bittersweet, literally and figuratively, as I discovered I held a greater passion for the smooth taste of the original Guinness compared to the bitter red.

Our last night in London was an early one, as we had a 4 a.m. wake up call the next morning to catch a ride to the airport from the funcle and his wife, who were headed to Nice on an early flight. That gave us a good five hours in the Gatwick airport. Here are some tips if you find yourself in the same situation:

• The Costa coffee joint isn’t open until 7 a.m., which seems reasonable, unless of course it’s 6 a.m. and in which case you need coffee even more urgently. But have no fear, the sign of corporate America is here. The second floor is host to a Starbucks that opens at 5 a.m. Oh, glorious commercial caffeination…how I adore thee.

• Feel like hopping online? Don’t be tempted to use the “internet cafés” near the departure zones. Even with the leftover loose change that you won’t have time to exchange into real money (sorry, American money), it’s not worth the pound for 15 minutes. It took me 13 minutes to open the Arizona Webmail page. As the timer in the top right corner ticks down the seconds, you think you have a chance to at least see the number of e-mails you acquired during the past two weeks of vaca. But as the ten second mark approaches and your eyes shift to and from the timer to the web page, you realize it’s hopeless. Don’t even bother.
  

• If you’re of age and inclined, the duty-free booze is all fairly reasonable. Though I never quite understood (let’s face it, it’s present tense....) Though I don’t quite understand how duty-free works and what the advantages are, there’s a wide selection available.

• Forgot to buy a souvenir for the family? Didn’t quite remember you owe your roommate a novelty item from the location of your latest spring break adventure? Realize you bought everyone else something, but forgot yourself? No worries…there are plenty of overpriced items of desperation in the Gatwick airport that will pass as fun souvenirs: teddy bears, keychains, postcards, and beer cozys top the list.

Oy! Here are some British slang words from A to Z to help you fit in with your mates:

ace (!) Adj. Excellent, wonderful.
Exclam. Excellent!

ballocks (!) Noun. 1. Rubbish, nonsense.

caned Adj. Intoxicated.

Double-decker Noun. A typical red British bus with two levels of seating.

Essex girl Noun. Stereotypically describing a female from the county of Essex, or a female of the style of an 'Essex girl'. Characteristics may include being working class, sexually promiscuous, fashion conscious, heavily drinking, confident and of low morals. Derog.

fag Noun. 1. A cigarette.

gaffer Noun. The boss.

happy as Larry Phrs. Very happy.

ivories Noun. Teeth.

jack all Pron. Nothing. E.g."There's jack all wrong with it."

kegs Noun. 1. Trousers. Cf. 'kecks'.

Lee Marvin Adj. Starvin' (starving), hungry.

mare Noun. 1. A terrible situation

Nelson (Mandela) Noun. A drink of Stella, a lager produced by Stella Artois.

O.T.T. Phrs. Abb. of Over The Top, meaning excessive, beyond that which is acceptable.

posh Adj. Upper-class.

quid Noun. One pound sterling.

razzle Noun. A good time, a pleasurable spree.

sarnie Noun. A sandwich. {Informal}

telly Noun. Television.

uni Noun. Abb. of university.

voddy Noun. Vodka.

W/C Noun. Bathroom.

X-rated Adj. Lewd, obscene, pornographic

yonks Noun. An age, a long time.

zapper Noun. A TV remote control unit.